Forces
Whenever I feel emotional pain, I have this urge to punish myself. Like if I have a disagreement or I am sensitive to comments about my career, then I will have thoughts about comitting suicide. Its extreme I know, but I fantasise about death a lot, I think about being released from my emotions and physical body, in order not to experience these things. Life comes with the whole shebang, it comes with the bad as well, yet I also have this conditioned behaviour to punish myself. Its a double edged blade, living a life of emotionally stoicism, and constant discipline, and suppression. I’m an emotional person but I suppress so much, its such an odd conundrum. But I feel so sensitive that I could hurt myself at any moment, if something slightly unpleasurable occurs it will be like my whole world has ended and because I did something wrong, or my emotions are wrong and I have to correct them, and if I can’t correct them then I have to kill myself. I just bypass the whole process of self medication or reactionary retalliation, violence, and episodic self destruction, and I go straight to oblivion. Its really intense. I have so much self awareness but it doesn’t really do much does it, I find my personality improves when I’m around people constantly, I have neurotic introspection, obsessive overthinking, compulsive rumination, overanalysis, OCD and a tendency to focus on small details. I really have to get out of my own head and be around people, and run from toxicity like the plague.